Are You Serious

Curiously, some people manage to get through life without getting deleted from their gene pool. Not that I’ve always been the smartest guy around. Accidently leaving my wallet at that restaurant (many years ago) would have been no big deal if I hadn’t walked out on the bill in the process (not my finest moment). But I told you that story before. And I could have had a pretty sweet job recommendation from a Nobel Prize Laureate if not for a fairly painful wedgie I had once bestowed upon his son. And an old college roommate (let’s call him “Mr. X”), who studied criminal justice and knows way too much about me and might not remember me fondly, now works for the CIA. I discovered that on LinkedIn recently and coughed up some coffee on my shirt.

I’ve made a lot of dumb mistakes and I’ve paid for them all (or will). So I shouldn’t talk about anyone else. But what the heck.

Maybe other people’s drawbacks always seem more entertaining… idk. Did you see that? I said “idk”. That makes me appear current, since it is the modern vernacular for “Although Not Ultimately Sure”. But you can see why they made it “idk” instead of… well you know. Some people, like my sister-in-law and unlike my extremely cool self, can’t grasp the nuances of the hip culture. Mary, who is awesome in case she ever reads this, missed something along the way. She tries, though, which is why she attempts to use contemporary acronyms in her texts and emails. She loves to use “LOL”, but I’ve come to suspect that she thinks it means “Lots of Love”. Here’s why. A while ago, she sent a text to the entire family, and she says:

“I wanted to let you know that cousin Sally has colon cancer and will be operated on next Wednesday. LOL, Mary.”

Initially taken aback by her text, I responded with “Sally has cancer? Are you serious? And Mary, I don’t understand LOL… Gary”.

Mary responded with “I know… it’s hard to believe. They might have to remove her intestines. LOL, Mary”.

That’s when I realized what she probably thought she was saying. I still haven’t had the heart to correct her. And Sally? She’s fine, and she still has her intestines.

Sally has colon cancer. LOL, Mary. Unbelievable. Refer to “gene pool”. Did I mention that Mary does not have children?